Divorce and the Holidays – How to Counteract the Christmas Blues

December 22, 2007 by wendy.

Many divorcing and single people tell me that they dislike Christmas – it is boring, dull, depressing, and a generally awkward time of year. In trying to understand why many people feel that way, and in an attempt to find a solution, I interviewed my last guest writer for this blog site, Suzanne Simpson, a Licensed Psychotherapist and Coach. I’d like to share some excellent and informative tips that she provided. I hope you find them helpful.

Question: Why do divorcing people feel depressed at Christmas – this should be a joyful time of year?

Answer: “Christmas is a season of giving, but the experience often turns out to be one of so much sadness and depression. When clients are newly single or divorced, they experience a loss of family connections. Moreover, for many clients the image Christmas is based on our childhood experiences or fantasies. These images can create great pain if we see our present experiences as not measuring up to these expectations.”

Question: What is the impact of unrealistic holiday expectations for divorcing people?

Answer: “Expectations that are unmet will usually lead us down a path of emotional pain. Suddenly, we are demanding things of others that they can’t meet. We may try to be Super-mom: choosing just the right gifts, cooking everything we think others will like, and working hard to look good. We compare our lives to those happy families the movies and magazines portray. All of this pressure we place on ourselves can leave us depleted and unable to meet our expectations.”

Question: From what you are telling me, a lot of unhappiness is brought on by our expectations. Therefore, how do we change our expectations?

Answer: “It is important to recognize that what we perceive to bring us happiness will not necessarily be that which makes us happy. For instance when I was a young girl, I thought that if I received the most presents under the tree that would make me happy. I was so eager I would even open a few presents before Christmas and wrap them back up again. At that stage in my development, I was naïve enough to think that getting presents was the answer to feeling good. With more maturity I am now aware that gifts won’t give me those good feelings, but that I can create that within myself. Happiness is an inside job and no one person can give that to us. Creating the right emotional state is key. So, when they say this is a season to be joyful, I believe that it is a feeling we can have now as well as experience all year round.”

Question: Do you have any recommended actions people can take to create the right emotional state?

Answer: “Absolutely! Start monitoring your mindset by placing your thoughts on a daily focus and inner dialogue that makes you feel great. In addition, letting go of the expectations that Christmas needs to meet an image of what you have fantasized it to be. Some of my favorite tips for getting through the holidays health and happy are:
· Think of giving without any expectation for anything in return
· Don’t let your mind go to self-pity or comparison with others
· Practice loving those that are difficult family members
· Be aware of overindulging on sweets or alcohol which spike your insulin levels
· Find contentment in the simple things such as reading a good book, going to see Christmas lights, or spending time with friends and family
· Take advantage of things slowing down to get more rest and practice good self-care
So, turn your sadness into joy and make it the best holiday season ever! You can choose what you want to make it.”

From what you’ve said so far, I would add that I see the holidays as a challenge for many people, but especially divorced or divorcing people. It is especially difficult from a financial standpoint. People are learning to live on one paycheck when it was difficult to live on two salaries. Buying holiday gifts and overindulging can lead to additional financial stress. If your Christmas is blue rather than merry and bright, you may want to try some of Suzanne’s ideas this year – your holiday season can only get better!

Suzanne B. Simpson is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Wellness Coach. She has a private practice in Littleton specializing in helping people going through major life transitions. She helps her clients find empowerment by identifying emotional patterns that keep them stuck and unable to move on with their life.

Visit her at www.connectcoach.com Call for a complimentary introductory coaching session. (720) 981-0713.

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