August 16, 2010 by wendy.

I have received calls and emails from mediation clients from a year or two ago about one of the party not fulfilling the terms of Settlement Agreement that they both signed.  In some cases, some former clients may have some substance or emotional issues impede their ability to deal effectively with their family situations and moving ahead on finishing financial issues. However, in other instances, the financial issues have surfaced as a major problem, instead of family or children issues erupting.  During these unusual economic times, it should come as no surprise that finances have risen to be the source of major post-divorce conflicts.

The poor economy has made clauses in some Settlement Agreements difficult to fulfill.  Who knew in 2008 that a couple with a very lovely and well-maintained home in a wonderfully upscale area would still be unable to sell it by 2010?  I am sure most people didn’t anticipate not being able to refinance their house after the divorce.  Unfortunately, concurrent with the financial industry meltdown, real estate values plummeted in most areas of the country.  Add in the dramatic change in mortgage refinancing regulations and within a few months, and a person’s financial picture and plans have drastically changed.

So – what to do if your spouse is supposed to sell the house, or refinance the mortgage in his or her own name?  Should you demand that they do so to meet their obligations in the Settlement Agreement?  Perhaps you should, if the individual is really procrastinating.  However, if the other party is unable to meet their obligations to sell the house or refinance the mortgage, he or she may have legitimate reasons for this delay.  The current mortgage may be more than the value of the house, the ex-spouse may have poor credit or insufficient income to meet the new mortgage requirements, and other reasons may be very real and legitimate.  I remind my clients that they do not need to do something rash that rebounds on them.  This is especially true if there is no real and compelling need to fulfill the Settlement Agreement except to have things final.  For example, if one ex-spouse insists that the other spouse sell the house and the value is considerably less that the mortgage, the spouse with the house may just decide to default on the mortgage.  This can seriously damage the credit of both parties.  Extending additional time to refinance or sell the house, or to fulfill other specific parts of the Settlement Agreement might just be to the benefit of both parties.

My suggestion to several clients has been to re-negotiate the Settlement Agreement.  If you can do so, you may want to refrain from involving legal counsel to force the situation unless absolutely necessary – it is expensive and often only inflames the situation.  Put any change to the Settlement Agreement in writing, after which you may want to have legal counsel review it.  Set specific dates by which the issue in question should be resolved.  Ask for proof that the ex-spouse is moving towards fulfilling their obligations, or proof that they cannot do so at this time.  For example, if your ex-wife is required to refinance the house and says that she needs more time, ask to see her mortgage application and any correspondence that is associated with this loan.  If the mortgage value is higher than the home value, ask to see a recent appraisal and a statement from the mortgage company showing the loan value.  You also may want to consider various “what-if?” situations, such as, what if the house really cannot be sold?  Will you then consider a short sell if possible, a default, or another extension?  Be sure to think about all possibilities – the economic situation these days can make any number of alternatives probable.

Often the issues that were some of the underlying cause of the breakup of the marriage still exist.  This means that some former couples are still unable to resolve their post-divorce disputes successfully.  In these cases, the people may wish to contact their former mediator to help them resolve the issues.  Their mediator is familiar with their case and with each of the clients and may be able to help them come to a satisfactory resolution.  This alternative may be better and less expensive than the litigation route, and is certainly worth serious consideration.

Post-divorce difficulties are common – and even more so these days.  It certainly makes sense for former spouses to try to work out things between them, write out their agreement clearly, and show progress being made towards fulfilling the terms of their agreement.  Divorced people have a chance to start fresh and, if possible resolve the difficult issues fairly and productively.  I am convinced it can be an excellent learning and growing experience for them.  It is at least the sensible and practical thing to do.

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April 2, 2010 by wendy.

After the Divorce – What Happens if You Can’t Agree? 

Just getting through a divorce is often quite a struggle – trying to agree on dividing assets, how children will be parented in two separate households, and coming to terms emotionally with issues from the former marriage.  It is only natural that formerly married people will have disagreements after the divorce.  Perhaps their settlement agreement is not entirely clear and both parties are interpreting it differently.  Possibly one party does not agree with the terms of their settlement and chooses not to comply.  The children may have different needs or changes in their lives.  More often, in these difficult economic times, the financial situation of one or both parties may have changed – and probably for the worse.  For example, what if the house doesn’t sell?  What if one party is laid off from work for an extended period or becomes seriously ill and cannot make their payments?  How can the settlement agreement be changed? 

Parties can change the terms of one or both of their financial agreement and the parenting plan if they both agree to the changes.  If they have difficulties in agreeing, they can certainly go to mediation to obtain the assistance of a neutral third-party.  Not only is a mediator skilled in helping parties to resolve their differences, but this type of professional can often can formally write the changes the parties wish to make.  Alternatively, the parties can request an attorney draft the changes they wish to make to their settlement agreements.

If mediation does not work, the parties can always contact attorneys for assistance.  Attorneys will be able to tell their client if he (the client) has a reasonable case if they need to go to court.  The attorney can also work with the other party’s attorney to try to resolve their differences between the couple.  If all else fails, the parties can go to court and present their case to the judge.  This can be expensive, time consuming, and stressful.  Moreover, there is no guaranteed win – for either party.  An added risk is the serious damage that can be done to what may already be a poor relationship with the ex-spouse.  In extremely difficult situations, however, utilizing an attorney may be absolutely necessary to making changes affecting large amounts of money or serious parenting issues.

My experience is that if parties can agree to changes, they are likely to save money, preserve a working relationship with the other party, and potentially obtain the agreement that works for both of them.  This is true whether consensus is obtained by discussions with each other or by using a mediator.  After the divorce, things may not necessarily set in stone.  It is possible to change things, but it is certainly easier if parties can negotiate and agree to the changes.

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March 30, 2009 by wendy.

Tough times, economic and otherwise, often mean people use alcohol and other substances to “help ease the pain”. Unfortunately, alcohol and substance use may have an adverse effect  on the family - possibly leading to estrangement and even divorce.  This blog entry has been contributed by a guest author, Bonnie, Mucklow, LMFT.  See more information about Bonnie at the end of this article.

Alcohol and drug problems have a huge impact on family relationships and cause sixty-five percent of divorces.  Talk shows and radio hosts speak to alcohol and drug abuse as a Family Disease; but members who live with someone with alcohol and drug problems can be angry at this suggestion.  What, ME?  “I’m ok; its he/she who has caused all the problems in our family!”.  Counselors and therapists call it a disease for two reasons.  First,  addictions are based in our neurochemistry and altered pleasure pathways in the brain that make us susceptible to developing dependence on alcohol and drugs.  Second, a whole range of unhealthy emotions, broken relationships and ineffective behavior patterns result in response to the misuse of alcohol and drugs. 

Its useful to understand that the person using drugs and alcohol bears the primary responsibility for how drugs and alcohol hurts family members.  But family members, once they realize that addictive pattern, have a secondary responsibility to break the pattern of secrecy around the behavior, learn new and more adaptive behaviors in response to the alcohol and drug abuse and free themselves of the shame and guilt attached to the alcohol and drug abuse.  Here are a few suggestions:

 - Refuse to keep alcohol and drug abuse a secret from extended family, friends and coworkers- Continue to organize family activities, dinner together and family traditions, with or without the alcohol and drug abuser; these traditions help families protect themselves from the disappointment, fear and anger surrounding life with an addict- Talk directly to the abuser of alcohol and drugs about how their behavior impacts the family.  Avoid threats, lectures, and labels; instead describe matter of factly how the alcohol and drug use impacts other family members and creates problems- Discontinue rescuing the alcohol and drug abuser from the consequences of their actions- Refuse to do for the alcohol and drug abuser what they can do for themselves, ex. calling to cancel appointments, leaving messages for bosses or coworkers, doing household responsibilities for them

Bonnie Mucklow is a licensed marriage and family therapist and addictions counselor providing a range of counseling services to children and families.  Her office is located at Dry Creek and I25.  For further information, call her at 720-488-3822 or check her website at:  www.familiesatfive.com

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December 22, 2008 by wendy.

Divorce can be a frightening process.  In addition to all of the emotions involved in divorce, there are seemingly endless numbers of papers to file, numerous decisions to make, and uncertainties about the future.  Divorce can also be expensive, with filing fees, attorney consultations, possibly selling the house, and having to budget with more expenses but no additional income.  These expenses often add to a divorcing person’s sense of being overwhelmed.

During 2008, I saw a large number of divorces in my mediation practice.  Many couples chose to mediate for a number of reasons – as an alternative to expensive litigation; to be able to shape their own settlement agreements; or perhaps to keep the relationship with their spouse relatively amicable.  Regardless of the reasons, I find myself admiring many of the couples who come to me for mediation.  I think it takes a lot of courage to expose your financial (and marital) situation to a stranger (albeit a professional), and to discuss the dissolution of a once-hopeful and warm relationship.  With the advent of a divorce, people’s dreams are vanishing, and their lives will be changed forever.  It seems easier to have someone else do the fighting for you.  However, rather than having a safe barrier of an attorney who exchanges letters and requests for documents with the other attorney, people are choosing to face their spouses and really work together through their issues to create a settlement that is right for them and their children.  I think this courage, in spite of all of the emotions and trauma, is admirable.  I also think highly of couples who seek out experts to help them wade through the morass of inter-related divorce pieces they must assemble, such as child support, maintenance, taxes, the marital home, and the overall settlement picture.  They can then make informed decisions about their future and avoid some of the nasty pitfalls that can otherwise occur.

It takes courage to face a spouse and make decisions about your futures when it was difficult to do so during your marriage.  However, the process of mediation, while often difficult, uncomfortable, or painful, can make for a healthier and better future for your overall family – and that is truly laudible. 

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December 22, 2007 by wendy.

Many divorcing and single people tell me that they dislike Christmas – it is boring, dull, depressing, and a generally awkward time of year. In trying to understand why many people feel that way, and in an attempt to find a solution, I interviewed my last guest writer for this blog site, Suzanne Simpson, a Licensed Psychotherapist and Coach. I’d like to share some excellent and informative tips that she provided. I hope you find them helpful.

Question: Why do divorcing people feel depressed at Christmas – this should be a joyful time of year?

Answer: “Christmas is a season of giving, but the experience often turns out to be one of so much sadness and depression. When clients are newly single or divorced, they experience a loss of family connections. Moreover, for many clients the image Christmas is based on our childhood experiences or fantasies. These images can create great pain if we see our present experiences as not measuring up to these expectations.”

Question: What is the impact of unrealistic holiday expectations for divorcing people?

Answer: “Expectations that are unmet will usually lead us down a path of emotional pain. Suddenly, we are demanding things of others that they can’t meet. We may try to be Super-mom: choosing just the right gifts, cooking everything we think others will like, and working hard to look good. We compare our lives to those happy families the movies and magazines portray. All of this pressure we place on ourselves can leave us depleted and unable to meet our expectations.”

Question: From what you are telling me, a lot of unhappiness is brought on by our expectations. Therefore, how do we change our expectations?

Answer: “It is important to recognize that what we perceive to bring us happiness will not necessarily be that which makes us happy. For instance when I was a young girl, I thought that if I received the most presents under the tree that would make me happy. I was so eager I would even open a few presents before Christmas and wrap them back up again. At that stage in my development, I was naïve enough to think that getting presents was the answer to feeling good. With more maturity I am now aware that gifts won’t give me those good feelings, but that I can create that within myself. Happiness is an inside job and no one person can give that to us. Creating the right emotional state is key. So, when they say this is a season to be joyful, I believe that it is a feeling we can have now as well as experience all year round.”

Question: Do you have any recommended actions people can take to create the right emotional state?

Answer: “Absolutely! Start monitoring your mindset by placing your thoughts on a daily focus and inner dialogue that makes you feel great. In addition, letting go of the expectations that Christmas needs to meet an image of what you have fantasized it to be. Some of my favorite tips for getting through the holidays health and happy are:
· Think of giving without any expectation for anything in return
· Don’t let your mind go to self-pity or comparison with others
· Practice loving those that are difficult family members
· Be aware of overindulging on sweets or alcohol which spike your insulin levels
· Find contentment in the simple things such as reading a good book, going to see Christmas lights, or spending time with friends and family
· Take advantage of things slowing down to get more rest and practice good self-care
So, turn your sadness into joy and make it the best holiday season ever! You can choose what you want to make it.”

From what you’ve said so far, I would add that I see the holidays as a challenge for many people, but especially divorced or divorcing people. It is especially difficult from a financial standpoint. People are learning to live on one paycheck when it was difficult to live on two salaries. Buying holiday gifts and overindulging can lead to additional financial stress. If your Christmas is blue rather than merry and bright, you may want to try some of Suzanne’s ideas this year – your holiday season can only get better!

Suzanne B. Simpson is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Wellness Coach. She has a private practice in Littleton specializing in helping people going through major life transitions. She helps her clients find empowerment by identifying emotional patterns that keep them stuck and unable to move on with their life.

Visit her at www.connectcoach.com Call for a complimentary introductory coaching session. (720) 981-0713.

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