May 26, 2009 by wendy.

I asked Bernadine Merker to write a few words about divorce from the perspective of stress - and how it affects our lives during divorce.  She contributed the following information:

Divorce is a major life event that affects everybody in the family. It is an ending that was not expected and it uproots spouses and children’s plans with an intensity that often takes years to resolve.  As this process begins, many of the symptoms described below develop as people try to cope with the major changes that they are undergoing:  

      Although time often heals, it is important to make sure that these symptoms don’t continue to affect moods, health, and relationships, school and work performance. If they do it is time to seek professional help for both you and your children. A visit to your family doctor and an evaluation with a mental health professional are a good place to start!  As with any other thing in life, the sooner you take steps to deal with it, the faster it is resolved. Counseling can help everyone work through those feelings that arose from the strain of the relationship, and the divorce. It can provide a safe place to move past these feelings and re-claim your life. It can also be a place to learn techniques to cope, calm anxiety, and feelings of loss and anger and restore stability. Asking for help is strength, not a weakness! Getting support at a time in your life when your world feels upside down can only help restore balance and help you get on with your life.____________________________________Bernadine Merker LCSW is a licensed professional counselor with over twenty years of experience. She has counseled children, adolescents and adults who are undergoing major life changes, anxiety, depression, bi-polar disorder and PTSD.  She facilitates CONQUERING ANXIETY, an 8-week workshop designed to provide the tools to manage anxiety/ panic disorders. Her office is located off I 25 in the Denver Tech center. She can be reached at (303) 770-0940.

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May 14, 2009 by wendy.

Divorce is one of the most stressful of all life events.  Stress can create insomnia, illness, and often impedes objective and critical thinking.   Having one or more of the stress-related issues is not conducive to decision-making, especially when these decisions can impact the rest of your life.

I asked a colleague of mine to comment about the use of exercise to reduce stress. Marta Burns, who teaches classes in karate, told me:  “It all started when a good friend of mine and well- known counselor in Denver (Bernadine Merker), called me up and said she would like me to work with people that she counseled.  I asked myself “Why?”  I then realized there are many benefits my karate class offers and that I could give a new meaning to my work and teaching – that is helping others in need.  The confidence in my body and mind, is, in fact a skill set that I can teach to others.”

People say a divorce can be one very traumatic and scarring experience in life. A divorcing person is now facing the world alone, rejected by the one person they could always trust. Regaining ones’ confidence of mind and body is an essential part of the recovery process.

Marta further told me about the many benefits of a karate class.  “Karate is designed to teach individuals a variety of techniques that allow them to protect and defend themselves. It is a great feeling of empowerment to know you are able to defend your self and think on your feet. This is not the only benefit that karate offers. For example:

1)                 Karate drills and exercises structure can result in a great release of anger and stress.  Much like when you were a child and punching your pillow made you feel better, in the

            same way karate shield drills and other stamina exercises let you feel calm, peaceful and more centered.

2)                 Another benefit that comes with practice is more physical capabilities and a better look and feel to your body. A strong self-image always projects into others aspects of life.

3)                 Karate practice redirects your thinking towards new goals: confidence, health, physical abilities, meantime giving you the confidence of a new family and loyal friends as you

            train with others like you in class.

4)                 Karate uses physical exercise and training to instill confidence and calm while at the same time providing the feeling of insulation and supportive family structure thru the Karate

            class.”

If you have any questions about karate or her classes, please contact Marta Burns at:

Sensei Marta Burns

Kyokushin Karate

www.satorydojo.com

720-338-9780

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March 30, 2009 by wendy.

Tough times, economic and otherwise, often mean people use alcohol and other substances to “help ease the pain”. Unfortunately, alcohol and substance use may have an adverse effect  on the family - possibly leading to estrangement and even divorce.  This blog entry has been contributed by a guest author, Bonnie, Mucklow, LMFT.  See more information about Bonnie at the end of this article.

Alcohol and drug problems have a huge impact on family relationships and cause sixty-five percent of divorces.  Talk shows and radio hosts speak to alcohol and drug abuse as a Family Disease; but members who live with someone with alcohol and drug problems can be angry at this suggestion.  What, ME?  “I’m ok; its he/she who has caused all the problems in our family!”.  Counselors and therapists call it a disease for two reasons.  First,  addictions are based in our neurochemistry and altered pleasure pathways in the brain that make us susceptible to developing dependence on alcohol and drugs.  Second, a whole range of unhealthy emotions, broken relationships and ineffective behavior patterns result in response to the misuse of alcohol and drugs. 

Its useful to understand that the person using drugs and alcohol bears the primary responsibility for how drugs and alcohol hurts family members.  But family members, once they realize that addictive pattern, have a secondary responsibility to break the pattern of secrecy around the behavior, learn new and more adaptive behaviors in response to the alcohol and drug abuse and free themselves of the shame and guilt attached to the alcohol and drug abuse.  Here are a few suggestions:

 - Refuse to keep alcohol and drug abuse a secret from extended family, friends and coworkers- Continue to organize family activities, dinner together and family traditions, with or without the alcohol and drug abuser; these traditions help families protect themselves from the disappointment, fear and anger surrounding life with an addict- Talk directly to the abuser of alcohol and drugs about how their behavior impacts the family.  Avoid threats, lectures, and labels; instead describe matter of factly how the alcohol and drug use impacts other family members and creates problems- Discontinue rescuing the alcohol and drug abuser from the consequences of their actions- Refuse to do for the alcohol and drug abuser what they can do for themselves, ex. calling to cancel appointments, leaving messages for bosses or coworkers, doing household responsibilities for them

Bonnie Mucklow is a licensed marriage and family therapist and addictions counselor providing a range of counseling services to children and families.  Her office is located at Dry Creek and I25.  For further information, call her at 720-488-3822 or check her website at:  www.familiesatfive.com

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February 17, 2009 by wendy.

     When I am helping divorcing clients to strategize their future finances, credit becomes a huge issue.  A year ago, most people could qualify fairly easily for a mortgage, credit cards, and other types of loans.  Matters are very different these days.  For example, in order for a refinance to actually occur for a spouse who will be keeping the family home, the retaining spouse must be able to qualify on their own credit.  Mortgage brokers tell me that they often require at least 3 months history of receipt of child support or maintenance (alimony) payments, and the couple’s separation agreement must state that these payments shall continue for at least three years.  A mortgage broker informed me that the best rates are now available for FICO credit scores of at least 720.  Formerly, a FICO score of 620 was considered to be a sufficiently high score for a good mortgage rate.  Certainly, mortgage brokers may have different guidelines in the future, but be aware that much tighter restrictions will probably continue for some time.  Some common-sense actions that people can do now to help their credit are:

a.       Check your credit score.  You can receive one free credit report from each of the three major credit-reporting services.

b.      Clear up any problems or mistakes.  Be sure to write a letter to the credit reporting service explaining the situation.  This letter should remain in your file for several years.  For example, the credit reporting service had my credit and birth date mixed up with that of my fathers’ – for some odd reason. I wrote them to explain their errors.

c.       If you are considering a loan, don’t open or close credit cards.  Credit cards opened the longest may increase your credit score – and that credit card may be the one you were considering canceling.

d.      Avoid having credit report pulled by multiple sources, because this can indicate you may be considering having extra credit sources, or “shopping
 for credit. 

e.       Always pay on time – late payments count heavily against you.

     Protect your credit!  You may not need a loan now, but what about in a few years when you need a new car?  The interest rate you receive will be directly related to your credit score over the past few years.  Why pay any more interest than you have to?  Paying a bit of attention now can save you dollars in the future.

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December 22, 2008 by wendy.

Divorce can be a frightening process.  In addition to all of the emotions involved in divorce, there are seemingly endless numbers of papers to file, numerous decisions to make, and uncertainties about the future.  Divorce can also be expensive, with filing fees, attorney consultations, possibly selling the house, and having to budget with more expenses but no additional income.  These expenses often add to a divorcing person’s sense of being overwhelmed.

During 2008, I saw a large number of divorces in my mediation practice.  Many couples chose to mediate for a number of reasons – as an alternative to expensive litigation; to be able to shape their own settlement agreements; or perhaps to keep the relationship with their spouse relatively amicable.  Regardless of the reasons, I find myself admiring many of the couples who come to me for mediation.  I think it takes a lot of courage to expose your financial (and marital) situation to a stranger (albeit a professional), and to discuss the dissolution of a once-hopeful and warm relationship.  With the advent of a divorce, people’s dreams are vanishing, and their lives will be changed forever.  It seems easier to have someone else do the fighting for you.  However, rather than having a safe barrier of an attorney who exchanges letters and requests for documents with the other attorney, people are choosing to face their spouses and really work together through their issues to create a settlement that is right for them and their children.  I think this courage, in spite of all of the emotions and trauma, is admirable.  I also think highly of couples who seek out experts to help them wade through the morass of inter-related divorce pieces they must assemble, such as child support, maintenance, taxes, the marital home, and the overall settlement picture.  They can then make informed decisions about their future and avoid some of the nasty pitfalls that can otherwise occur.

It takes courage to face a spouse and make decisions about your futures when it was difficult to do so during your marriage.  However, the process of mediation, while often difficult, uncomfortable, or painful, can make for a healthier and better future for your overall family – and that is truly laudible. 

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November 11, 2008 by wendy.

As we are headed to the end of a pretty horrible economic year, some of my clients have asked me what they can do to improve their personal financial situation. While they cannot control the economy or the political situation, they can control their own finances. I tell them they can start by developing a “spending plan” – otherwise known by that dreaded word budget. They don’t know if they will be laid off, if their business earning will be down, or if they will need more funds for their current living situation. Moreover, if clients are considering divorce, they will very likely have to live on less income – so planning for that time is extremely important.

Some people ask me how they should begin to budget their spending. Following are some steps to help readers get started:

a. Go through your bank statements and credit card statements to categorize expenses.
b. Review cash purchase. You may need to keep a cash control book. Write down everything you spend cash on for 2 weeks to a month.
c. Divide expenses into mandatory, semi-optional, and optional.
d. Find any slack that can be eliminated or reduced. For example, if you find yourself spending $20.00 per week on lattes, consider reducing your spending to 2
lattes per week. Watch out for late fees and overdraft charges from credit card companies and banks. These fees can easily add up to several hundred dollars
per month for many people.
e. Set a goal for your expenses in each category.
f. Track your expenses monthly. If you are over in a category – review the expenses to see if the overage is a one-time occurrence, if you need to cut purchase,
or if you need to reallocate your budget.
g. Begin an emergency fund in a savings account or money market. Your goal should be 3 – 6 months of expenses.
h. Don’t forget to pay yourself for your retirement accounts.

Don’t have “frugality planning” problems, but you simply don’t like to budget? In this case, you probably don’t live over your means and you likely have good financial discipline. For you, paying yourself first works the best. Have automatic deductions established for your emergency funds, and for your retirement accounts. Then, live on the remainder of your income. People in this category find it works well for them.

During tough times like these everyone should consider “frugality planning.” Certainly, in better economic times, people should still be careful with their spending, but tightening up is critical during potential or real recessions – or unfortunately, when divorce may be looming.

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January 7, 2008 by wendy.

Do you feel that Social Security will only contribute a small fraction of your retirement income? Don’t discount the effect that Social Security can have on your retirement! According to a report titled “ Women and Retirement Security”, prepared by the National Economic Council Interagency Working Group on Social Security, social security payments are critical for women in retirement. Major reasons given are:

1) Women Have Lower Income in Retirement than Men — And Thus Higher Poverty Rates. The poverty rate of elderly women was 13.1 percent, compared to 7.0 percent among men. Among unmarried elderly women, the poverty rate was significantly higher — about 19 percent.
2) Social Security Constitutes a Large Percentage of Women’s Income. Elderly unmarried women — including widows — get 51 percent of their total income from Social Security. For 25 percent of unmarried women, Social Security is their only source of income, compared to 9 percent of married couples and 20 percent of unmarried men. Without Social Security benefits, the elderly poverty rate among women would have been 52.2 percent and among widows would have been 60.6 percent.
3) Women Face Greater Economic Challenges in Retirement. First, women tend to live longer: a woman who is 65 years old today can expect to live to 85, while a 65 year old man can expect to live to 81. Second, women have lower lifetime earnings than men do. Hence, women have smaller savings than do men. And third, women reach retirement with smaller pensions and other assets than men do.

Social Security rules can be a bit confusing. Basically, if you are divorced after at least 10 years of marriage to the same person, you can collect retirement benefits on your former spouses’ social security schedule. You need to be at least 62 and your former spouse must be eligible for social security or is currently receiving benefits. Depending on the age that you begin collecting benefits, you may be entitled to receive the greater of an amount approximately 50% of your former spouse’s benefits, or b) your benefits based on your own earnings. The exception to this rule is if you remarry. If however, your second marriage was to end later whether by divorce, death etc., and you were previously receiving a spousal benefit, you would again be eligible to receive that benefit.

What does this mean to you when divorcing?
1. You must be married to the same spouse for a total of ten years. You can be married, divorced, and eventually remarried, as long as the total time is to same spouse is ten years.
2. In some cases, if you have a shorter marriage, you may want to delay a divorce until after you have been married for a total of ten years.
3. Be aware that a re-marriage (to a different spouse) will cancel your social security spousal benefit from the husband from which you are receiving benefits. Because of this rule, many older couples do not remarry, but choose to co-habitate.
4. Although you may be tempted to have a burning ceremony after your divorce, be sure to save copies of your marriage certificates, divorce decrees, and other relevant paperwork. This way, if necessary, you can prove your marriage and divorce in the future without the hassle of obtaining copies from a governmental entity.
5. Social Security benefits count as income when calculating child support.

Social Security will continue to be important for women in the future. As the labor force participation rates of women continue to rise, women in the future will reach retirement with much more substantial earnings histories than in the past. Therefore, the percentage of women receiving benefits based solely on their own earnings history is expected to rise from 37 percent today to 60 percent in 2060. Being aware of your earnings, your spouses’ or your ex-spouses earnings record at the Social Security Administration will ensure that when you are ready to retire, you will know what your will be receiving and can plan accordingly.

The Social Security Administration is a great resource for questions related to divorce and social security benefits. You can reach them on-line at www.ssa.gov or by calling them at 1-800-772-1213.

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December 22, 2007 by wendy.

Many divorcing and single people tell me that they dislike Christmas – it is boring, dull, depressing, and a generally awkward time of year. In trying to understand why many people feel that way, and in an attempt to find a solution, I interviewed my last guest writer for this blog site, Suzanne Simpson, a Licensed Psychotherapist and Coach. I’d like to share some excellent and informative tips that she provided. I hope you find them helpful.

Question: Why do divorcing people feel depressed at Christmas – this should be a joyful time of year?

Answer: “Christmas is a season of giving, but the experience often turns out to be one of so much sadness and depression. When clients are newly single or divorced, they experience a loss of family connections. Moreover, for many clients the image Christmas is based on our childhood experiences or fantasies. These images can create great pain if we see our present experiences as not measuring up to these expectations.”

Question: What is the impact of unrealistic holiday expectations for divorcing people?

Answer: “Expectations that are unmet will usually lead us down a path of emotional pain. Suddenly, we are demanding things of others that they can’t meet. We may try to be Super-mom: choosing just the right gifts, cooking everything we think others will like, and working hard to look good. We compare our lives to those happy families the movies and magazines portray. All of this pressure we place on ourselves can leave us depleted and unable to meet our expectations.”

Question: From what you are telling me, a lot of unhappiness is brought on by our expectations. Therefore, how do we change our expectations?

Answer: “It is important to recognize that what we perceive to bring us happiness will not necessarily be that which makes us happy. For instance when I was a young girl, I thought that if I received the most presents under the tree that would make me happy. I was so eager I would even open a few presents before Christmas and wrap them back up again. At that stage in my development, I was naïve enough to think that getting presents was the answer to feeling good. With more maturity I am now aware that gifts won’t give me those good feelings, but that I can create that within myself. Happiness is an inside job and no one person can give that to us. Creating the right emotional state is key. So, when they say this is a season to be joyful, I believe that it is a feeling we can have now as well as experience all year round.”

Question: Do you have any recommended actions people can take to create the right emotional state?

Answer: “Absolutely! Start monitoring your mindset by placing your thoughts on a daily focus and inner dialogue that makes you feel great. In addition, letting go of the expectations that Christmas needs to meet an image of what you have fantasized it to be. Some of my favorite tips for getting through the holidays health and happy are:
· Think of giving without any expectation for anything in return
· Don’t let your mind go to self-pity or comparison with others
· Practice loving those that are difficult family members
· Be aware of overindulging on sweets or alcohol which spike your insulin levels
· Find contentment in the simple things such as reading a good book, going to see Christmas lights, or spending time with friends and family
· Take advantage of things slowing down to get more rest and practice good self-care
So, turn your sadness into joy and make it the best holiday season ever! You can choose what you want to make it.”

From what you’ve said so far, I would add that I see the holidays as a challenge for many people, but especially divorced or divorcing people. It is especially difficult from a financial standpoint. People are learning to live on one paycheck when it was difficult to live on two salaries. Buying holiday gifts and overindulging can lead to additional financial stress. If your Christmas is blue rather than merry and bright, you may want to try some of Suzanne’s ideas this year – your holiday season can only get better!

Suzanne B. Simpson is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Wellness Coach. She has a private practice in Littleton specializing in helping people going through major life transitions. She helps her clients find empowerment by identifying emotional patterns that keep them stuck and unable to move on with their life.

Visit her at www.connectcoach.com Call for a complimentary introductory coaching session. (720) 981-0713.

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November 30, 2007 by wendy.

Dear Readers: I am posting a guest article by a colleague on a question that is shared by most people going through divorce - how to handle the often roiling emotions that occur during the divorce process. Not only can such emotions be draining, they can often be counter-productive when dealing with the soon-to-be ex-spouse, handling children, performing tasks, and making important decisions. I hope you find this article useful. Feel free to provide feedback on this or any of the other postings.

Wendy W. Spencer, CFP®, CDFA™, and Family Law Mediator

The Emotional Roller Coaster – Smoothing Things Out During Divorce

Going through a divorce can be somewhat devastating and bring up a wide range of emotions from anger to self-pity and loneliness. We usually haven’t developed very healthy ways of dealing with these feelings. Anger can many times be directed in ways that either leads us to constant conflict with our ex-spouse or feelings of depression if it is turned inward. We may tend to have anger around money issues that can become the one area we hold onto to control while going through the separation and divorce. It becomes the big source of conflict that keeps us tightly connected to our ex-spouse.

Typically there are three stages that anger shows up in. The first is the experience itself that causes the anger such as the divorce. The second is our reaction to the experience and the third is the attitude of our heart because of that experience. What we want to avoid is it going into the third state of hardening of the heart. What we do in the reaction stage is critical to preventing the hard-hearted attitude. If we work with our interpretation of the event, we are better able to reframe our thoughts and create more positive feelings.

Learn to recognize anger’s roots, which many times are expressed as our more vulnerable feelings, such as sadness from broken dreams or promises, being betrayed, or betraying one’s self. Another is the fear of the future; can I make it alone, will I have enough money to support myself, or how can I make a living? These are all common underlying feelings that need to be acknowledged and faced.

The typical unhealthy ways of dealing with anger are rage and repression. Rage develops when you allow the feelings to fester, thus creating more intense anger. With repression, you turn the feeling of anger inward and internalize it. This only makes matters worse, and many times you become numb as to what you really are feeling which leads to depression.
The more healthy ways to deal with anger are as follows:

· Redirect your anger appropriately - at the divorce, the broken dreams, the wreckage; not your ex-spouse, your children, or yourself.
· Take your negative energy and invest it into something positive; join a health spa, go to night school, or start a hobby.
· Invest in people; get involved in a support group, do volunteer work in an area of interest, find supportive friends that have mutual interests.
· Do some journal writing where you are able to get out your feelings on paper.
· Redirect your thoughts to create more positive feelings daily.

Suzanne B. Simpson is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Wellness Coach. She has a private practice in Littleton specializing in helping people going through major life transitions. She helps her client find empowerment by identifying emotional patterns that keep them stuck and unable to move on with their life.
Call for a complimentary introductory coaching session. (720) 981-0713, or visit her at www.connectcoach.com.

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October 29, 2007 by wendy.

A Client’s Perspective on Collaborative Divorce

By:  Wendy W. Spencer, CFP®, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst™

I have a financial planning client, who I will call Amanda.  She thought everything was going well in her life.  Her business was growing, her husband just received a fantastic promotion, and, in their mid-fifties, they were looking forward to their retirement and a move to a mountain area, where they had purchased land to build a country home.  Soon thereafter, Amanda became suspicious when her husband started walking the dog at unusual times, and going out of town more frequently than usual.  Actually, he was making calls to his new girlfriend who he was seeing on the sly.  When Amanda found out what was happening, the marriage was over. Amanda’s hopes and dreams had vanished, along with a husband, a father for her son, their much-anticipated retirement, and her economic stability.  Understandably bitter and angry, Amanda was determined to get the very best financial settlement for herself and her son. 

She was referred to an attorney who proposed a new type of divorce – collaborative.  Both she and her husband would have attorneys.  It was very important to Amanda to have someone on her side, fighting for her, and helping her to cut the best deal possible.  Her husband, passive about the divorce, hired an attorney to help advise him and steer his settlement.  Sounds like a typical divorce – but it wasn’t.  The four of them met together to discuss their issues and to satisfy interests.  Amanda knew that she would have to be in frequent contact with her soon-to-be ex-husband because of issues that would arise with their son.  Therefore, as angry as she was, she knew that it was important to maintain a decent relationship with her ex.  Also, she knew that she was more likely to get a favorable settlement if she was reasonable. 

Their financial situation was complex, so the attorneys brought in a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst™ (not the author in this case), to produce “what if?” scenarios of different settlement options.  The CDFA™ also helped them to gather financial information about their marital assets, budget, and to complete their financial affidavits.  Amanda was also able to get a picture of what her future financial situation could look like, so she could do some advance planning.

When I asked Amanda about her experience with collaborative divorce, she told me that while she was incredibly angry about the divorce, and that the meetings were physically and emotionally draining,  she was, however, very satisfied with the process.  She was able to express her needs, and most importantly, have them heard and acknowledged.  She was able to maintain a decent “working” relationship with her ex-husband.  She felt that she had high quality legal advice, and that the financial advice was invaluable.  The settlement was very comprehensive, but reasonable.  Amanda also liked the team approach, with attorneys and the financial expert working together, rather than piecemeal.  Although she and her spouse did not require the services of a coach, she felt that coaching could be very helpful when dealing with intense emotions.  All in all, Amanda felt that collaborative divorce helped her to make the best out of a bad situation and was a healthier process in the long run than a litigated divorce.

 Is collaborative divorce right for everyone?  Probably not.  Collaborative divorce is sort of like mediation, but on steroids.  All parties, including the attorneys, financial specialists, coaches, etc., agree to work together to resolve the parties’ differences and meet their concerns.  Collaborative divorce may not be cheaper than the traditional litigated divorce, but it can help people craft agreements that meet their needs, and, in the long run, be more emotionally productive.

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